


Touched by the end

by Donotmind_mehere



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Archivist Jonathan Sims, Asexual Character, Break Up, Character Death, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Manipulation, Established Relationship, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Loneliness, M/M, Martin Blackwood Needs a Hug, Martin Blackwood's Poetry, Maybe - Freeform, No Happy Ending Fest, Not Really Character Death, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sad Ending, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:53:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24966289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donotmind_mehere/pseuds/Donotmind_mehere
Summary: We're all struggling through the end of the world, but you're the one who caused it.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Sasha James/Tim Stoker
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	1. Is it possible to die of guilt?

_ There with the flowers rooted in your hair _

_ I see you with a terrible stare _

_ That pierces the night but also begs to be held on tight _

_ As the words are shouted _

_ Threats are made and body bruised _

What makes someone human?

Is it their limbs? Because as far as he can tell, he still has two arms, two legs, and ten normal fingers and toes.

Is it their hair? His hair is the same as it’s always been, if not longer due to his inability to get it cut. 

Is it the various scars he has? Or the burn? Is it his voice? 

What is it that makes them humans, that he doesn't have. 

Jon has found himself wondering this a lot, because of recent events.

What aspect of him and all the other avatars set them apart from the humans who didn’t have to question the fact? 

Maybe it’s because he’s questioning his humanity is what sets him apart. 

In a world full of humans and monsters, Jon doesn’t know his place anymore.

Even if it was decided for him.

Jon just wishes he could sleep. Like a normal human.

He wishes he could dream. Like a normal human.

And eat. 

Mostly, Jon just wishes he didn't have to question his humanity. 

Jon wishes he could go back to a time when he could dismiss everything with only the slightest unease about it all. 

And just be normal.

He wishes he could go back and know. Or just be normal 

He wishes he had quit, no matter the consequences. 

That he could have ended all of this before everything ended. 

Jon knows this is his fault but the weight of his thoughts and knowledge of what he has done, drags him deep into a pit of his own self.

Jon knows that even if he dose kill Elias or Jonah or who or what-the-fuck-ever he is, he knows, he won’t get out of this intact, in mind and body. 

Soul and spirit. 

If he even has those last two anymore. 

Jon knows that and it is this thought that shoves him over the edge.

Into the ocean of his own tears.

Into the swirling twirling thoughts that made up his life now. 

Time was passing him like water on an empty beach. 

Ebbing and flowing like the water in his eyes. Pushing him to the brink and pulling him back, like emotional waterboarding.

Jon could feel himself drowning and he truly did wonder how long it would take for him to be consumed by his own self. 

“How long would it take to die of grief?” He muses aloud.

  
  


Not noticing Martin in the room. 

“J-Jon? Are you...of course you aren’t. I mean-“ Martin doesn't know how to ask the obvious. 

“Martin I’m,” Jon takes a deep breath and wipes what tears he can away from his face before facing him “I’m fine.” 

“Jon, you were crying and what you said when i walked in, that doesn’t exactly spell “fine” to me.” Martin says the last part a bit too quiet.

But Jon hears him anyway.

“I k-know I know, I just” Jon doesn’t really know. 

The room grows quiet, it’s been doing that a lot lately. 

Another thing on the lists of Jon’s wishes, he wishes he could give Martin a proper relationship, the fantasy meet cute and subsequent romance to follow. 

He wishes they could go on dates and live somewhere together and pay rent and go into the town.

Jon wishes their disagreements could be normal and not his cold quiet game they’ve been playing for far too long now. 

“I-i know you’re upset about everything that happened, I know it’s difficult but-“ but what Martin thought.

_ But it’ll be okay because love conquers all? _

_ But it’ll be okay because it’s not really your fault. _

_ But it’ll be okay because, because what?  _

Jon just looked at him, unexpectedly. What could Martin say that would change anything.

Martin bit the inside of his cheek before saying “It’s just not healthy...and we can’t just...you know..” 

“I know.” Jon sighed. 

“Of course you do.” Martin says softly, hoping Jon couldn't hear him. But knowing he did.

Before laying down and staring at the wall for a long time, in the deafening silence and pretending to sleep and maybe actually falling asleep. 

________

Martin was an understanding person. He’s taken a lot from Jon over his time knowing him but what was happening how, wasn't him taking anything from Jon, it was something else. 

Where Jon’s personality used to be a mix of uninterested and unimpressed. 

The energy Jon's voice held now was apathy. And Martin supposed they didn’t have a therapist in this new world of theirs. Though, what therapist would believe any of _this_?

“ _ I'm just an entity of fear and I have powers that I don't understand and can’t control sometimes and because I've brought about the end of the world, I'm very depressed. Please help.” _

Martin wishes he could do more for Jon but he would probably only do more damage. 

He isn’t mad at Jon, he just, how does someone express a human understanding of sympathy while also expressing his deeper feelings of love, without undermining what he’s going through? 

This is a lot different from everything that was happening in the institute, they're nor experiencing the same thing. 

  
Martin wish he could say: _No one has ever ended the world and those who wanted to end it aren’t going to feel guilt over what they did._

Martin almost smacks himself in the face! He should have said that! It’s not like he can just jump up suddenly “awake” and say “Jon! I figured out what to say! I’m sorry I was clumsy with my wording earlier. I’m sorry things have seemed tense between us. I just don't want to make this any worse for you than it is.” 

He could do that, but it wouldn't be the same. 

Martin wishes the circumstances were different, that all this fear entity business really was made up and that he’d go to sleep and wake up and poof:

“You were just dreaming Martin, wake up, are you okay? We’re all alive. Tim and Sasha (the real Sasha) and all those spooky stories are just stories that Jon records are just stories that that people make up come and write down for us and Elias is just a creepy boss who might be a sociopath but at least he didn’t bring about the end of the world and use your boyfriend to do so. Everything is fine. Everything is fine.” 

And right before Martin actually sleeps for the night and is thrown into the abyss of nightmares that plague this world, he wishes really hard to anyone, someone, that he’ll wake up from his reality. 

The reality where he wakes up from his nightmares and there’s Jon in “their cottage” on “their bed” and Jon is just staring and staring. 

Sometimes one of those records will be there and he knows that on those nights Jon was talking to himself and he just wishes, even if it cost him his relationship with Jon, that the world could un-end and they could all forget about it, forget about everything if necessary. 

Martin wishes he could make Jon feel better, not just on the surface but in his heart and mind. All Martin wants to do is remove the pain that burrowed itself in Jon. 

And the hopelessness of it all, well that’s enough to sink anyone down to the bottom of the ocean. 

  
  


________

**_And for the first time ever since all this happened, Jon sleeps too, Jonah’s precious Archive, has a choice to make._ **


	2. In another dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What has he done? He knows that whatever is happening in this moment is his fault.

_ If you carve me a mountain from my tears _

_ It is no gift, just a monument to all my fears _

_ ___________________________________ _

Jon burst up frantically, breathing heavily, looking around at his surroundings that didn't exist

Looking around for something to see. 

He’s not in his bed and he’s not in the cottage.

But he isn’t “nowhere” he’s definitely  _ somewhere _ , he just can’t really tell where, there isn’t a defining sense to tell him where he’s at. 

From his point of view, the world looks clouded, blurry and faded. 

And the rest of his senses are dampened, there isn’t anything to hear or touch, in a way, he feels like he’s floating. Unable to do anything except think and watch as the blurry forms pass in front him. 

Jon isn’t like this long before panic hits him and all he can think about is Martin.

Martin, where was Martin? 

“Martin! Martin!” He shouts, his throat feels like glass is impeded in it. 

And he gets no answer except the reverting sound of vibration on metal. So he can hear. 

“Martin!” He shouts again a little more frantically “where are you?! Martin!” 

His heart is pounding fast and his nails are digging into his skin, he feels exposed, he feels terrified. 

“Martin! Are you okay! Please be okay!” He screams 

“Martin!”

Where is he? Where could he have gone? He was here just a moment ago, wasn’t he? God please where was he? Was he  _ here _ ? Jon swears that no more than two minutes ago Martin was right next to him, pretending to sleep. 

“Martin! Please…” he begs 

No answer, just the harsh echo of his voice on metal and subsequent pain in his ears .

Nothing except the empty exposed feeling. 

What has he done? He knows that whatever is happening in this moment is his fault.

“Martin where are you?” He pleads before crumbling down on the verge of tears.

Almost no time passes between him stopping his effort to call for Martin and the sudden sharp pain in his head. 

Like it was being cut open or slammed with a metal pipe. 

Jon feels like his head is going burst but also feels like it already has, all at the same time.

The reverberation of his voice in the metal echo chamber is filling his ears and bouncing around in his skull and all he can hear is his voice, calling out desperately for someone who might not exist anymore. 

Calling out for someone who may not know he exists anymore. 

Calling for someone who may not care if he exists at all. 

“MARTIN. MARTIN. MARTIN. MARTIN.” Tears pour from Jon’s eyes like blood from a bullet wound. 

_ “Hush, my precious Archive. Everything will be okay. I promise.”  _ a dreadfully familiar voice dampened the pain for a moment.

Then Jon’s world goes black. 

And he was in his flat.

In his bed.

In London, the real London, with no eye in the sky or tower in the distance. 

Jon wakes up with a start and his body trembling so hard he thinks he might throw up. 

What had just happened?

What was that nightmare? 

Had he dreamed about Elias? 

And Martin?

His head ached and his body felt weak. God, what had just happened? 

Jon wiped the sleep and tears from his eyes and just as he was about to get out of bed , Martin entered the room.

Complete and incomprehensible dread filled every ounce of Jon’s being. 

“Martin?” he says tepidly. 

“Good morning Jon! How did you sleep?” Martin smiles warmly. 

Jon looks at him for a second before familiarization replaces the dread and he smiles back before saying 

“I think, I think I had a nightmare.” 

“Oh,” Martin says “what was it about?” 

“I can’t remember , but I’m sure it’ll come back to me later, I’ll tell you then, yeah?” 

“Only If you want to.” Martin smiles again before opening the curtains and starts pulling clothes out of the dresser. 

“How late are we?” Jon inquires as he gets out of bed and stretches.

“Right on schedule.” Martin says before leaving the room with his outfit for the day. 

Jon and Martin’s morning routine normally consisted of Martin getting up first, making them tea, Jon always insisting he didn’t have to do this at home and Martin always doing it anyways the next morning. 

After that slight round of their daily banter they’d get ready for work, normally, unintentionally getting in each other’s way and only occasionally having fluidity in their routine. 

Then, they would sit in the kitchen and drink their tea while each attempted to boot their brains up for the day. 

Either through conversation about what they had planned for after work be it what dinner was going to be, maybe a movie before bed tonight? Or sometimes just by playing on their phones and occasionally showing the other something they found amusing or enjoyable. 

Then they’d put the dishes away, a kiss before heading to work together. 

If they had enough time or were just in the mood, they’d swing by a cafe near the institute and grab a snack for the day. If they were in an especially good mood, they’d bring something for Tim and Sasha. 

Life was beautiful.

“Good morning Martin! Morning Jon.” Sasha called to them as they walked into the archives. 

“Morning Martin, morning Jon.” Tim mocked playfully in the background.

Sasha threw him a look that half hardheartedly attempted to be annoyed, but she was obviously too busy to care much. 

Martin gave Jon’s hand a small squeeze before they parted ways for the day.

  
  


Jon sat at his desk and started his statements for the day. 

“Statement of Joseph Mendoza….”

  
  


_____ 

“You wouldn’t believe some of the things people try to pass off as a “supernatural experience,” Jon said with an exaggerated tone “ take for example this one I read today. This man tried to pass off what was clearly a nightmare from the start into this spooky experience of a never ending hallway at his office job!” 

Martin just listened as he prepared dinner. Martin of course did know how ridiculous it all was, he was the one who had to “investigate” these statements after all. 

But as it was, working the same monotonous job left him with the same taste of needing to vent when it all got to be just a bit too ridiculous. 

“Of course it’s ridiculous, but, i mean, it’s a pretty easy job considering what we  _ could _ be doing.” Martin offered, as he put dinner in the oven.

Jon considered this for a moment, “I guess you’re right.” He said, before he continued his rant on how frustrating some of these statements were and how “ I know it’s not good to speak ill of the dead but for goodness sake! Gertrude Robinson has left the place an absolute mess!” 

Dinner wouldn't be ready for another 40 minutes.

“You know, i was thinking.” Martin looked up from his phone expectantly. 

“Hm?” Jon replied, a little more invested in his book. 

“Well, we hardly get out that much and going to work does not count as “getting out”, so I was thinking we could take Tim and Sasha up on one of their offers to go out during the weekend?” 

Jon looked up from his book,

this wasn’t the first time that Martin and himself had been invited to some social event, they’d admittedly been invited to many social events, but Jon, he wasn’t really that great at being social and he especially wasn’t great at being social with Tim and Sasha.

He’s said it many times before, but if he and Martin hadn't been working together at “the right time”, then there is a high possibility that they’d have never met, much less started dating. 

But one job out of Uni, and two years later, him and Martin shared what used to be just Jon’s flat. Martin of course believes it was all “fate” and they were “just destined to be together” as much as Jon loved him, he didn’t exactly know how to tell him, this isn’t the way he sees it. 

But it was nice 

____________ 

_ When Jon had first been given the position of Head Archivist, he was surprised to say the least but also felt very guilty and lonely.  _

_ Anyone who had worked in the institute long enough had known that Gertrude and Sasha were very close, Sasha had to take a week of leave when Gertrude died. And it was very much anticipated that she was the one who was going to get the position, especially considering Elias waitined until she was off her leave to officially announce it.  _

_ But the day Sasha returned, Elias stepped out of his office and gathered the institute staff in the main lobby, _

_ “Hello, I know it has been a tough week, more difficult for most than others, “ he gave a glance to Sasha “ but with poor Gertrude’s untimely passing, the decision has been made to appoint a new Head Archivist in her stead”. The whole room turned to Sasha as Elias announced “Johnathan Sims, congratulations, please come see me to discuss your promotion in further details.” And walked back to his office, leaving in his wake a building of shocked, angry, and betrayed staff. _

_ The lobby was so quiet that the London traffic could be heard from inside the institute’s thick walls. Jonathan Sims walked to Elias’ office, like a convict walking to his execution.  _

_ It took a long while after that for Jon to be trusted by anyone except Martin. A lot of people were able to easily see through Elias’ mind games but this was different. It didn’t have a clear motivation and well no offense to Jon, but it did seem a bit foolish to put someone a lot less qualified in the position.  _

_ Jon didn’t blame any of them, but it didn’t make the pain of loneliness any easier.  _

“Yes we can do that, Martin.” Jon said as he bit inside of his cheek, feeling that somehow, he’d come to regret this decision. 

But Martin’s smile of sheer delight warmed Jon’s heart, how could he ever deny him anything?

_____

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a little too excited for this part but if you're keeping up with this, the update schedule will be as consistent as i can maintain! 
> 
> Also give me a follow on Tumblr for more: https://no-name-user-name.tumblr.com/


	3. A Devil's Trill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do you do, when your whole life is a lie?

What could be considered morning rose some time later, when Martin woke up, he looked over at Jon, who for the first time in a long time, was peacefully asleep. Martin’s heart was warmed at the sight of his boyfriend in such peace, especially considering everything he’s been through. 

Of course, that was until the relative day had passed, then two, and three and so on and so on had passed. 

Martin’s panic at the situation grew every minute that Jon didn’t wake up. His heart raced and mind worried at the possibilities of what was currently happening. Jon wasn’t waking up on his own, that much was obvious, but the  _ why _ had yet to be answered. 

Martin shouted at Jon, “Wake up! Please wake up!” 

“What is wrong? What is going on? Why aren’t you waking up?!” 

“Is this Elias’ or Jonah’s or whoever he’s calling himself, fault?” He asked no one. 

“Why is this happening?” He’d cry, tears spilling from his eyes like rain in a lake. 

Martin wishes he could shake Jon awake, but every time he got too close to Jon, Martin’s body would tremble so viciously that it felt like he was going to explode. 

And after this he’d cry, openly weep like a child who's been abandoned. Well, he has been abandoned more than once now. 

_ Damn it! _

_ No! _

_ Not again!  _

_ Please, not again.  _

_ He couldn’t lose Jon.  _

_ He could do anything but lose Jon again.  _

Martin was stuck, for what might have been hours or days, watching, watching, and watching, doing nothing except watching Jon’s corpse still body, waiting for something and anything to change.

With each passing moment in his seemingly infinite loneliness Martin could feel the foreboding fog begin to rise from nowhere and swirl and twirl around him, sucking the air from his lungs and leaving him with a numbing pain in his chest. 

“Please not again” he begged. 

“Please.” He cried softly.

“Anything but this.” He pleaded to the silence. 

But the silence in turn does not answer him

Allowing the fog to thicken as Martin makes one last plea for his love. 

“Jon, please wake up…” before being consumed. 

________

“They literally could not have picked a worse place.” Jon lamented the choice of bar Tim and Sasha (most likely Tim) had told them to meet at.

“ What do you mean? It's not  _ that _ bad.” Martin replied as calmly as he could manage. 

Secretly he agreed with Jon, the bar Tim and Sasha (most definitely Tim) picked out was something akin to a dive bar with barely one leg to stand on. God what was he thinking. 

As soon as they walked in, they saw Tim and Sasha, Jon noted how nervous they both looked and wondered this aloud to Martin.

“Why do they look so uneasy?” Jon asked, “ They are the ones who picked this place.” 

Martin looked straight ahead, just as nervous as their friends and more notably not answering Jon’s question or even acknowledging he’d said anything at all.

Okay then. Jon thought, strange. 

When they reached the table they were sitting and Jon wasted no time asking the question that first came to mind when they'd entered the palace,besides how run down the place looked. 

“ Why do you two look like you murdered someone?” he asked, looking to Martin who still had the same look on his face. 

Tim, Sasha and Martin looked at each other in what, to Jon felt like an unnecessary extended silence. 

Oh god, did they actually kill someone? When would Martin have found the time? He rarely left the flat without Jon and when he did he most definitely did not leave long enough to have hurt anyone and hide their body, right? 

“So??” Jon broke the silence, they were making him nervous and he wasn’t sure he was ready for whatever bad news they were going to break to him.

“SASHA AND I ARE OFFICIALLY DATING!” Tim blurted out and almost spilled his drink as he threw his hands outwards as if to shield himself from an unexpected swing that Jon was most definitely not going to throw. 

“Oh.” Is all Jon said with little regard for the expectations of the other and was unaware of little this seemed to have pleased them.

Sasha craned her neck to Martin and gave him an expression that in its purest form said “Did you already tell him?!” and Martin in turn, shook his head in the negative, just as shocked as his counterparts. 

“Oh?? What do you mean by that??” Sasha finally asked, her confusion dripping in every word.

“Well,” Jon started, “ I mean, I thought you were already a couple? Tim did tell me about what happened between you two some time ago, and well it was kind of obvious. I wasn’t too concerned with your personal affairs to begin with as long as it didn't impact your work in the archives.” 

_ Tim, Sasha, and Martin each had a reaction that fell perfectly in line with who they were fundamentally. But who they were fundamentally had changed, a lot had changed between them since Jon became head Archivist, their group that wasn’t close to begin with cracked and fell apart the moment Jon stepped out of Elais’ office.  _

_ A lot more things changed when Martin finally asked Jon out, because to Tim and Sasha, it seemed Jon would only chew Martin up and spit him out when he got bored of him or when Martin couldn’t keep up with Jon’s impossible to gauge standards.  _

_ Then they moved in together and got closer and one day Sasha pulled Martin to the side and said  _

_ “Do you really love him?” _

_ And of course Martin said “Yes I do.”  _

_ And Sasha sighed because like all of us, she was a selfish person and knew she’d have to relinquish her grudge against Jon, if not for herself, then for Martin.  _

_ Who they were all fundamentally has changed and their reactions were a microcosm of that fact.  _

Martin was relieved that Jon wasn’t mad at any of them (mostly him for having kept the secret) he was relieved this hadn’t destroyed their friendships again and wondered if he’d still want to stay for a couple drinks considering the spectacle that had just taken place.

Sasha was annoyed at Tim for tell Jon about  _ that night, they agreed not to tell anyone about.  _ And happy that Jon took it as lightly as he did. She’s not sure how’d they deal if he’d been less understanding.

Tim regretted having told Jon about that night in the first place and was overall relieved that his friend and more importantly, his boss wasn’t pissed at him. 

Jon just sat down across from Tim and began to quietly browse the sparse menu for something to drink. Martin after a minute of quiet compilation of what just happened, sat next to him, already knowing what he wanted. 

____

They stayed a little longer than initially intended. Martin wasn’t a big fan of drinking but this bar specifically but they had this huckleberry cider you couldn’t find anywhere else in London and he never passed up an opportunity for one, two, or four of them. 

Tim and Sasha normally carried their alcohol well, except from when it was 12 am on a Saturday they both had the residual stress of telling Jon about their relationship status flowing through their collective veins. Needles to say, by the end of the night, they’d both be thoroughly trashed and were currently tittering away about whatever subject was on their mind in the moment.

Jon, after having read the menu enough times to have memorized it by now decided on order water, citing his distaste for the after taste some drinks left. 

It was, all things considered, a very pleasant night, it would have remained pleasant , if not for the fact that it was a small fabrication to lull The Archive Into a sense of ease.

It would have remained a pleasant night forever, had Jon and Martin gone home after hearing their co-works “big new”, watched a movie together, ordered some take out, and gone to sleep sooner. 

But instead they’d chosen to stay out late and well don’t we all make bad decisions? 

And so it was, at the end of their night out, Jon was practically carrying his inebriated boyfriend back to the flat. He didn't mind this so as Martin hardly ever, if at all got drunk and when he did Martin was all too keen to tell him “ What a gentleman he was” and how Jon was “ Like my own personal knight in shining armor.” 

These comments always made Jon laugh a little, he loved Martin and before they had started dating and before he’d been wrongfully promoted at work, before the thought of seeing Tim or Sasha outside the archives sent a chill down his spine, Jon found comfort in the knowledge that he got Martin home safely. 

Now, for as rarely as it happened, he just enjoyed seeing him uninhibitedly happy and really, seeing Martin happy was all Jon really needed in his life.

  
  


When they finally got home, they both landed on the bed and slept near immediately, unconcerned with the attire they were in.

Tomorrow was Sunday, they could worry about it then. 

___

Jon however wouldn’t see the peaking dawn of Sunday morning as he woke up not so soon as he’d fallen asleep, his body chilled to its core, frozen like ice on the surface and yet somehow he was able to move.

“ _ Oh, you’re finally awake. _ ” a voice echoed softly in the room.

The voice registers familiar to Jon for a moment and he wonders where he’s heard it before. 

“H-hello?” he says, trying to say it loud enough that the voice hears him but not so loud that he’d wake Martin.

The voice laughs “  _ Oh don’t worry, I promise you won’t wake him up, I made sure of that.”  _

How’d he know what his intentions were? 

And what did he mean by “I made sure of that”? 

“Who are you? And how did you know that!” Jon says a bit louder, fear creeping in his voice like bile.

“ _ Oh you know who I am though I did make it so you can’t right now. Follow me Jon, we need to have a conversation. I promise I’ll explain the best I can.”  _

“Follow you where?” Jon hesitated a little bit, was he crazy?

Was he really going to follow a disembodied voice to god only knows where?

The voice laughed a little “  _ You know, that’s an excellent question,”  _ the voice said “  _ hmm, how about this, once you step outside this flat I’ve made for you, you’ll know exactly where to meet me okay?”  _

A sharp ringing fills Jon's ears.

It bombards his thoughts with one phrase, a quest if you will “ _ Leave the Flat Jon. Leave the flat. Step out of the room. Out of the house. Out of the life I’ve made for you.”  _

Jon mills about his apartment wondering if he should leave, he almost decides not to but the ringing causes his ears to ache and ache until the pain eventually makes the decision for him. 

As soon as he steps out of his flat Jon knows where to go and a part of him rolls his eyes and thinks “How cliche.” 

Because of course it is. 

On average, a foot trip from his flat to the graveyard takes nearly an hour, Jon knows this as he used to visit his grandmother’s grave often after she’d died. 

But somehow, as he walks up to obscenely Gothic gates Jon knows it did not take him that long to get here.

Jon knows a lot of things suddenly as he inexplicably opens the obscene gates. 

Things he could not have possibly known before. 

“  _ Hello Jonathan. I apologize for the intuition, but we have some important business to discuss.”  _ The voice echos around him. 

Jon sighs, his fear having been replaced by pure annoyance. 

His happiness was replaced by a drowning guilt.

And his ignorance was replaced by an ocean of knowledge. 

“Yes, Oliver, I believe we do.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay yay, I'm personally excited for what's going to happen next! So if you enjoyed this, give me a follow on my Tumblr ( link below) and feel free to hate me after next next week's chapter! xD
> 
> https://no-name-user-name.tumblr.com/


	4. Home is a picture but I can't see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pity is just as powerful as hate

_ Don’t look  _

_ Close your eyes wide open  _

_ And see the world you’ve broken  _

_ ________ _

_ I pitied him.  _

_ I really did.  _

_ A man so broken,a man who was marked, who was torn, who was burned, buried alive and left alone to die.  _

_ I pity him.  _

_ Even now.  _

_ Especially now. _

_ I told him once, he had a choice to make. To live or die. To quit his lingering on the fence. To choose a fate.  _

_ Then I pitied him. Most of us knew what Elias was trying to do.  _

_ And we all collectively laughed because we honestly thought “Yeah, okay sure that’s what you’ll do. Good luck.” _

_ Que eye roll from everyone. Including me.  _

_ Some of us tried to stop it, kill Elias’ precious Archivist, oops, I guess the memo didn’t get to everyone on what that would do.  _

_ And some of us are so far gone we thought we were above it, thought “I’m not going to listen, I don’t care what that pompous asshole wants.”  _

_ The rest of us wanted Elias’ plan to work. _

_ By nature I wanted Elias’ plan to work.  _

_ But I pitied Jon.  _

_ I still do.  _

_ Even now.  _

_ Because now I look at him. While he rots away.  _

_ Feeding himself only enough to live.  _

_ He doesn’t even live for himself. What does he think would happen if he left? If he stopped? If he died?  _

_ He’s worried about the Lonely One.  _

_ That patron has always been especially nasty.  _

_ Except, we’re in a new world now. He could live a life of myth. He could be a god.  _

_ Instead he chooses to drag his humanity next to him.  _

_ I think he does love him.  _

_ But love doesn’t mean much in the world, not anymore.  _

_ So he lingers again.  _

_ Choosing a fate much worse than death.  _

_ All for someone who may not be capable of understanding the nature of his situation.  _

_ Honestly, I thought he’d choose to die all that time ago. I thought he knew.  _

_ How ironic considering what he knows now. _

_ _________ _

_ Please look _

_ Don’t open your eyes tight shut _

_ Join us in our inhuman rut _

_ __________ _

“Oliver, I have to go back.” Jon’s tone is back to his standard annoyed. 

All those years of wear and tear sewn back into his mind and body.

Scars on all fronts returned to him as if they’d never left. 

Like a sober man overdosing after years of being clean. Jon can feel his heart is weaker, his body heavier, and his consciousness holding the weight of the world on its shoulders again.

If Atlas were to be allowed freedom in the form of an hour a year, he’d feel the weight of the world much heavier than he would without it

“You know why I won’t do-.” Oliver states gently. 

“I don’t need your pity.” Jon spits before he can finish.

Oliver knew he was in a strange spot with Jon. He had been able to a-death-like a stupor. He had been able to negate his powers at will within Jon’s own mind. And he still could control when or if Jon, ever woke up as himself and knew Jon knew this. 

He just needed Jon to agree to his plan. 

Or to subdue him long enough to  _ force  _ him to agree. 

“Jon, I know why you’re upset, I understand,” he started “ I just want to help.”

“I know that’s what you  _ think _ you want.” Jon sighed. 

“I know, I know you know everything Jon,” Oliver said, a bit exaggerated and annoyed, definitely not helping his point “ but let me explain, okay?” 

Jon in turn rolled his eyes but remained silent.

“ You remember when you were in a coma? And you remember  _ what  _ I told you. I told you, you have to make a choice. You have to choose between living or dying. And at the time I honestly thought you chose to live but-“ this was a lie and they both knew it. 

“ And I choose to live.” Jon interrupted, choosing to indulge Oliver anyway.

Oliver looked deflated “Jon. Please let me explain before you interrupt or we’ll never get through this.” 

He paused, waiting for Jon to say something,

“You didn’t choose to live, you chose  _ life _ sure but please tell me one thing you’ve done that’s been worth wild since you came out of that coma? Before you ended the world?” 

He waited a moment again.

“Jon, I’m offering you a second chance, a better chance, this is a chance not a lot of people get,I’m begging you to take it.” 

“You know I can’t.” Is all Jon said. 

_ __________ _

_ Take a peek  _

_ What you sought to seek  _

_ Here, you are everything more and unique _

_ __________ _

A heavy sigh fell from Oliver’s lips, because unlike Jon, Oliver didn’t know literally everything . He didn’t have a vast amount of knowledge that he could pull from. So, he’d have to ask. 

“Why?” 

Jon sighed too, there were so many reasons he had to go back and if he were to list them all now, they’d be here for quite a long time.

“I have to go back and try to fix the mess i made,” he began “i have to go back and change the present before it becomes the past and i have to, i know i have to do-”

He’s cut off. 

“Then you  _ have  _ to know that’s impossible. You have to know the grip Elias has on the world. You have to know that there is nothing you can do, you can’t change what you did.”

This broke something in Jon.

“I have to try!” He shouted as long built tears found their way out of his eyes. “I have to try! You cannot honestly tell me that the world is better! You cannot honestly tell me what I did, improved existence for the rest of humanity! Oliver I don’t want to hurt you, but I will do what I need to do to leave!” 

Jon was embarrassed, because he was now openly sobbing.

He was openly sobbing in front of someone who wanted to suspend him in a dream for the rest of eternity. 

He was openly sobbing in front of someone who wanted to take his place as the Watcher’s Jewel. 

He was crying, balling, having a complete meltdown. 

Because he knew Oliver was right, there was nothing he could do.

Because there was nothing he could say or do to change what was happening. 

He was embarrassed because the pity in Oliver’s eyes and mind made Jon realize he has never hated himself more than he did in this moment. 

And the most selfish part about all of this, was all he wanted was for Martin to be with him right now.

_ __________ _

_ And of course you know  _

_ As you drag around with your beau  _

_ Carrying your hope like it's precious cargo  _

_ __________ _

“I have to leave now.” Jon said quietly and as steady as possible, tears still falling from his eyes. 

Oliver really did pity Jon. He saw Jon as a puppy, who had been kicked on the streets and left to die. 

He saw himself as someone giving that puppy a chance to live. 

But the puppy kept biting his fingers. Fighting him every step of the way. And eventually that puppy was going to have to be put down

Oliver truly did pity Jon. 

“Jon, I haven’t changed my position on this. Please tell me, how did it feel to have finally been free from the pain that endured all those years? How did it feel to not know everything single thing about everything? How did it feel to be happy? To be living.” 

Jon had never actually considered this. He got to live one week, exactly one week in blissful peace. 

“How did it feel to be normal?”

One week in domestic love.

“I can’t change everything but I can make it better.”

One week, happy in life with friends who were alive, friends who despite everything, loved and cared for him. 

“You have friends here.”

One week was all it took for him to realize all the pain he’d been in. To realize the life he’d been missing out on. And it hit tenfold. 

“You have the opportunity to love here.”

The life him and Martin were missing out on. 

Martin.

The name was like a choir in his mind and heart. 

Martin, the person who dulled the ache of the life he led, until this point. 

Martin. 

Warmed the soul and hugged the heart. 

Tears threatened to regain control of Jon. 

Because he was missing Martin, in heart and soul. 

He was missing Martin, the real Martin. 

He was missing a piece of himself. 

His reason to hope.

His reason to fight. 

Jon knew what had to be done and knew he might not live through it.

_ _____________ _

_ But you sought what you seek  _

_ In this ocean, you were too meek  _

_ And swam through words you thought yourself so clever to speak  _

_ _____________ _

“I have to go back home.” Is all Jon said. 

“I can make this home for you.” 

“No, you can’t.” 

And they both knew it. 

Knew he wasn’t going to give in.

Oliver couldn’t help the overwhelming pain that coursed through his chest. Jon really was pathetic. 

Charred roots shot out of the earth with a spectacle to behold. They twist and churned clasping like hands. 

Jon’s mind raced for a solution to his Immediate problem. He honestly didn’t think Oliver would go this route. 

And though he came up with many solutions to the other routes this could have gone, he comes to only one solution for this one. 

And he hates it. Hates himself for having to do it. 

“David was lying to you, do you know that?” 

The charred roots stopped, suspended mid strike.

Jon winced in anticipation of the pain. 

It doesn’t come.

And he hesitates once more, “h-he lied to you and you know it.”

Tears rolled down Oliver’s cheeks and he nodded solemnly.

“Why do you think he did it?” Jon asks 

“Because he was using me.” Oliver replies.

“And you know why, don’t you?”

“Money.”

“Do you know how worthless you were to Him?”

“Jon, please.” Oliver managed to whisper.

“Do you really understand how every word he said to you about “love” was a lie? 

“J-jon, enough.” Oliver struggled.

“How he looked upon you with disdain, every day.” 

“jon…” 

“How elated he was when you disappeared one day.”

“...”

“And you never came back, leaving him to finally be free of you. You know how little your life mattered to him and you still choose to love him, who’s really the pathetic one?” 

Streams of tears formed on Oliver’s cheeks and Jon watched as the pit in his chest grew deep, as little more of his humanity stripped from the surface, how many layers did he have before he truly became a monster?

“ I want to go  _ home _ now.” Jon finally said.

“As you wish.” Oliver replied quietly.

And in an instant Jon could do nothing but watch in horror as he was impaled by a charred tree root, over and over and over again.

Watch in horror as Oliver’s grim features looked upon him with sickening recantation and spoke a final phrase,

“Death comes for all, Jonathan.” 

Watch as all the lives he could have had, flash before his eyes and disappeared into the unending nothingness. 

Death comes for all, indeed.

And in his final moments Jon cried once more, thinking of the worlds he had left behind. 

________

_ But what will you do, when precious words won’t save you?  _

_ When the Ceaseless Watcher turn their gaze upon you _

_ That’s when there will be nothing either you or I can do _ .

________

Jon wakes up slowly at first then all at once. In a bed that was once his own. In a home that was not his own. And with a man he does not know.

“Martin.” His voice is like a whisper in a busy room.

Jon clears his throat and looks around the room. It is covered in a fog so thick,if he didn't know better he’d think he was blind. If he didn’t know better, he’d wonder how it got in the little cottage. 

“Martin” Jon calls out into the blue.

His throat is raw. Chest on fire. Head feeling like an ocean being stuffed inside a little room. He touches his face and feels the scars of yesteryear. 

These aren't his, he thinks. 

His hand aches and burns and when he looks down he sees the rubbery skin of a burn from long ago and knows this is not him.

In his mind, in his eyes, he can see himself compared to who he once was. This is not him, not fully. 

“Martin, please.” Jon pleads.

“Why did you leave?” a voice replies in a detached distance. 

“I was taken.” is all he can say.

“No you weren’t.” 

“Ye- Martin, what happened?”

“What you expected to happen.”

“This isn't what I did, I did know  _ THIS  _ would happen.”

“But you did. And it did.” 

Jon looks frantically around the room. 

“Where are you?!”

“You’re alone too, aren't you.” 

“Martin PLEASE!” Jon fights with himself to stay.

Fights with himself to leave. 

“It’s all a bit pointless. You left for so long.”

“I didn-”

“Yes, you did, only part of you believes that.”

Drowning silence ensues, as Jon fights not to be consumed. 

Drowning silence ensues, as Jon fights to find the thing he lost.

“It’s not so bad, once you get used to it,” the voice is everywhere and nowhere “and you’re not really Jon anyway. Do you know how i know that?”

“But i am!” Jon bellows in all directions “I am Jonathan Sims! I am your boyfriend. I am the Archive. I caused the end of the world. I am!” He yells and stomps his feet like a child who’s not getting their way.

“Good luck out there. I’m sure Elias will be happy.”

“Martin, no.”

Silence. 

“Martin, please.”

Then it was as if he'd never been in the cottage. The world around him greets him with an influx of simultaneous fear and excitement. He breathes deeply, because he knew that there was no turning back from this, not now. 

And that whatever he had done or not done, could not be undone. 


End file.
